The fifteenth day of Chinese New Year, also known as the Yuanxiao Festival, or Lantern Festival, is a time of prayer, hope, regeneration, and universal sexual arousal. On this day the Earth literally moves, as over a billion energized revelers devour rice dumplings, light lanterns to guide the wayward home, and engage in wild, bed-thumping sexual escapades before heading home.
In China, Malaysia and Singapore, single women engage in a colorful ritual to invite good fortune. They carefully write their telephone numbers on mandarin oranges, then toss them hopefully into a nearby river or lake. Single men quickly find and eat the oranges, then proceed to dial numbers and eat out their lucky New Year partners. This is followed by the traditional New Year copulation which culminates in splattered cum and firecracker-like screaming orgasms. The calendar year has begun most auspiciously!
Archaeologists have very recently uncovered the true history of the mysterious ring of standing stones in Wiltshire, England called Stonehenge.
Erected approximately five thousand years ago, Stonehenge has been an object of speculation in the minds of many throughout modern times. Once thought to have been a primitive astronomical observatory, or a gathering place for bizarre pagan sacrifices, or a location for religious rituals performed by Celtic priests, the truth has turned out to be much more obvious. Stonehenge was constructed by our pragmatic male ancestors in order to conduct large-scale circle jerks.
Each vertical, phallic stone precisely marked the outer perimeter of the popular event. After disrobing, a hundred or more public sex enthusiasts would lie down on the turf and proceed with their collective act of mutual pleasuring. Following the sun’s progress in relation to the standing stones, the participants would strive to ejaculate semen at exactly noon on the vernal equinox. They did this in order to justify their activities. Because disguising public sex as a profound fertility rite was a clever idea. Superstitious wives could not disapprove.
In a variety of native cultures around the world, particularly in the Americas, a vision quest, or similar rite-of-passage ritual, is undertaken by adolescent males entering puberty in order to discover themselves and their true purpose in life. The young adult is sent alone into the wilderness for one to four days with nothing but a loin cloth and the bare biological tools with which he’s equipped.
The secrecy of an individual vision quest is said by many to be a necessary part of the participant’s search for spiritual meaning and direction. An individual’s lonely isolation and physical hunger, and possibly mind-altering herbs, will induce dreams that contain a spirit in animal form. which speaks cryptic words of wisdom and guidance. Several noted kink historians have claimed the profound secrecy of the quest, in fact, is necessitated by something socially taboo and altogether different.
Masturbation in the remote wilderness, with a desperately starved mind teeming with desires, is likely the central feature of most vision quests. Once the subject squats comfortably upon a high mountaintop, the quest reaches its climax through an extended period of pleasurable self-manipulation. The mind-blowing final outcome sets the mind of the young male firmly on a path to manhood. The meaning of life is made clear. His ultimate purpose is determined.
The widespread orgies that occurred during the ancient Roman festival of Bacchus, or Bacchanalia, produced an interesting historical curiosity which persists to this day: the presentation of gifts during Christmas.
Mass sexual encounters, usually occurring on the stage of an outdoor amphitheater, included hundreds of anonymous, masked participants and continued for fourteen continuous days and nights. Observed primarily in Italy’s central and southern peninsula, these orgies were derived from the Greek Dionysian mysteries, and involved a series of esoteric rituals. The Greco-Roman god Bacchus represented the human desire for ecstasy, and the bizarre rituals, performed before audiences that often numbered in the thousands, were designed to eliminate inhibition and open a gateway to perfect abandonment and human pleasure.
During the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, the crowds swelled as the rituals reached their climax. The naked, exhausted performers would stand on the stage in a line. From the stone seats of the amphitheater, the audience would toss ancient sex toys onto the stage. These toys would be of many different kinds, including dildos, butt plugs and primitive leather strap-ons; however these objects would be a surprise to all, as they were hidden by colorful wrappings. These gifts were said to represent human generosity, and that spirit of giving was believed in ancient times to be the spiritual force that drove away the growing darkness and brought a new spring into the world. The performers would dive energetically for the offered presents. This has become a common scene on Christmas morning in modern times.
In ancient Egypt, pharaohs masturbated into the Nile. They did this in the belief that the river’s current was actually flowing cum. The Egyptian god Atum, creator of all things, was the source of the Nile; his ejaculate was continuous and abundant.
It proved difficult for early pharaohs to constantly perform their ritualistic orgasms. So powerful sexual stimulants were devised. These stimulants were the pyramids.
The pyramids, massive structures on a scale never before seen in the history of mankind, announced and augmented the masculine power of the pharoahs. They caused every part of the pharaoh to swell with pride. They induced the production of royal testosterone.
Atop the summit of a pyramid each pharaoh would grandly sit, gazing out upon his dominion, king of all that he surveyed. The ancient buildings and streets appeared tiny. The camels below seemed like playthings. The slaves were a line of ants, laboring and dying in the pharoah’s service. And sitting atop the sharp pyramid was uniquely stimulating, too. With his hands the pharoah performed secret rituals.