Tag Archives: archaeology

Circle jerks and public sex at ancient Stonehenge.

Participants in an ancient circle jerk erect the lewd monument before disrobing.
Participants in an ancient circle jerk erect the lewd monument before disrobing.

Archaeologists have very recently uncovered the true history of the mysterious ring of standing stones in Wiltshire, England called Stonehenge.

Erected approximately five thousand years ago, Stonehenge has been an object of speculation in the minds of many throughout modern times. Once thought to have been a primitive astronomical observatory, or a gathering place for bizarre pagan sacrifices, or a location for religious rituals performed by Celtic priests, the truth has turned out to be much more obvious. Stonehenge was constructed by our pragmatic male ancestors in order to conduct large-scale circle jerks.

Each vertical, phallic stone precisely marked the outer perimeter of the popular event. After disrobing, a hundred or more public sex enthusiasts would lie down on the turf and proceed with their collective act of mutual pleasuring. Following the sun’s progress in relation to the standing stones, the participants would strive to ejaculate semen at exactly noon on the vernal equinox. They did this in order to justify their activities. Because disguising public sex as a profound fertility rite was a clever idea. Superstitious wives could not disapprove.

The primitive sex slings of Homo erectus.

Homo erectus emerges from sex dungeon cave in southern France.
Homo erectus emerges from sex dungeon cave in southern France.

Researchers have recently made a stunning discovery in the Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc cave in southern France. The archaeological site, famous for containing the earliest known figurative cave paintings in the world, is now considered to be the planet’s oldest sex dungeon.

Crude stone and bone instruments scattered about the cave’s floor, once thought to be utilized for crushing nuts and skinning small animals, are now thought to be prehistoric versions of sex toys. This conclusion was reached when several long twisted thongs were found attached to stalagmites deep within a previously unexplored cavern. The thongs, made of animal gut, were clearly an early form of sex sling. One well-preserved skeleton of Homo erectus was located in the darkness nearby, with a long smooth bone rammed deeply into its pelvis.

Monsieur Pierre Ribot of France’s Société de Coude et le Plaisir Sexuel has gone so far to claim in a controversial interview: “Je suis étonné par cette découverte et il est la preuve que l’Homo erectus engagé dans une activité sexuelle perverse définitive il ya des éons.”