Napoleon’s favorite midget sex doll.

Kink historians have conjectured that Napoleon had a favorite sex toy.
Kink historians have conjectured that Napoleon had a favorite sex toy.

That small French man with the original Napoleon complex–Napoleon Bonaparte himself–had a severe psychological need to dominate others. That is why he sought to conquer all of Europe and subdue a midget-sized inflatable doll. It is thought that once he had overthrown the love doll, he would sit on it.

When in exile, it is thought that Napoleon surrounded himself with these midget dolls. It made him feel high and mighty.

Napoleon was said to be a real jerkoff. That asshole pleasured himself in odd ways.

Sexual libido and the formation of black holes.

Unusual theories abound about the basic nature of black holes.
Unusual theories abound about the basic nature of black holes.

In quantum mechanics, a direct connection has been shown to exist between consciousness and the nature of reality. This has caused numerous theories to arise about the basic structure and formation of the cosmos.

Several related theories suggest the universe is the product of a Universal Mind, composed of billions–perhaps trillions or quadrillions–of sentient creatures scattered across the vast universe. Given entropy and the corrosive laws of nature, it is assumed that many of these creatures reproduce to survive, and consequently possess sexual libido. This would be true even for non-carbon-based orgasming organisms. Even rock-hard silicon-based male genitalia would require the impulse to penetrate a mate.

One fascinating theory holds that sexual libido creating horny thoughts in countless minds across time and space combines in one irresistible lusty thought, bending the very fabric of the cosmos. This concentrated force, produced by the insatiable Universal Mind, creates black holes.

It’s interesting to note that objects entering a black hole become hard and elongated.

Kinky toys inspired by ordinary handyman tools.

A kinky hammer. An unusual sex toy inspired by a common handyman tool.
A kinky vibrating hammer. An unusual sex toy inspired by a common handyman tool.

Several theories have been advanced that might explain certain aspects of male sexual behavior. According to one modern theory, men working in construction or at odd jobs about the house are most often thinking about sex, so a desire to utilize sex toys that resemble handyman tools is unusually acute among this large subset of males.

Evidence that supports this unusual theory can be seen in the offerings of many popular sex novelty stores. Here are just a few fascinating examples:

A jack hammer sex machine, which strongly resembles vibrating jackhammers used by muscled construction workers to penetrate concrete and asphalt.

A hammer sex toy, shaped exactly like an ordinary claw hammer used to drive nails. Sexually driven swingers love to handle this common hard-headed tool.

A handyman inflatable doll. The popular doll features a rigid tool which is commonly found hanging near the belt of handymen.

A kinky crowbar. This twisting, prying tool can be used to create many kinks.

A flesh vise. Don’t screw the clamp too hard, however. Unless intense pain is your favorite personal fetish.

The kinky code in Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile.

Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting Mona Lisa has a sly, suggestive smile.
Leonardo da Vinci’s famous painting Mona Lisa has a sly, suggestive smile.

The truth is out there.

Perhaps you’ve watched The Da Vinci Code, a movie which explores the possibility that Leonardo da Vinci’s art contained clues to unlock a powerful mystery. While the movie was based upon a popular modern novel, in this unquestionably ridiculous work of fiction there’s a kernel of truth. And it is:

Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous painting, Mona Lisa, does indeed contain a code. A kinky code.

Art historians have recently made a surprising observation. Mona Lisa’s enigmatic smile, sly and suggestive, is the knowing expression of one who secretly relishes perverted sexual activity. As the central feature of Leonardo da Vinci’s most important painting, this sly smile–this kinky code–provided a signal to his contemporaries that he was intimately involved in the taboo lifestyle now commonly referred to as BDSM.

Many leading Renaissance men–fellow artists, deep thinkers, powerful figures in both church and state–upon seeing the Mona Lisa instantly recognized Leonardo da Vinci’s personal sexual tastes. Soon a small group of bondage and sadomasochism enthusiasts gravitated around him, and some of the era’s most influential luminaries were enjoying group sessions of whipping, paddling, suspension, mummification, electrical stimulation (using a little known da Vinci invention that several people would operate by turning a large crank) and anal stimulation (using a version of his aerial screw). Wearing black leather and leashes in a hidden dungeon beneath the Vatican, protected from condemnation by a prudish world, they ravaged each other with reckless abandon. The energy of their mutual floggings would even put Silas, that albino self-flagellating monk in the movie, to shame.

These inspired men would eventually change the world. To them we owe much.

The human-like sexual antics of gorillas.

This horny gorilla thinks about sex all day long.
This horny gorilla thinks about sex all day long.

According to evolutionary theory, the western lowland gorilla isn’t nearly as advanced as a human being. The sexual behavior of gorillas, however, is no different than your own kinky proclivities.

A female gorilla’s sexual antics include approaching the preferred male with pursed lips, demanding immediate sex by slapping the ground, acting coy while mating with multiple partners, and the enjoyment of both doggy style and missionary positions. The patriarchal male silverback gorilla, a most auspicious primate, likes to engage in dominant, glaring, masculine displays. He is known for extremely loud grunting and will boldly mount his mate in his entire naked magnificence before a rapt audience. I’m sure you’ve seen this at the zoo.

The bizarre sex practices of gorillas also include using rope-like vines, long curved bananas, a rake left in the enclosure by a careless zookeeper, gooey food thrown by tourists, a swinging tire, and tender caresses of furry affection.

Clearly humans and gorillas are actually very closely related. Evolutionary theory must be mistaken.

Perfume mixes smells of sweat, leather and cum.

The smell of leather sheets is a proven sexual stimulant.
The smell of leather sheets is a proven sexual stimulant.

A leading manufacturer of perfumes might soon be introducing a brand new scent. According to one rumor, the new perfume will be marketed toward the rapidly growing segment of society that enjoys an alternative lifestyle. The uniquely formulated product induces intense sexual excitation using a mixture of three smells: sweat, leather and cum. Rumor has it this unique perfume will be sold under the descriptive name Cum Hither. It’s hoped the perfume will become a best seller.

A spokesperson for one national organization of kink practitioners has enthused that the introduction of such a scent to the mass market would be truly inspired. “Until now, the best way to enjoy this odor has been to have hot sweaty sex in leather sheets coated with freshly ejaculated cum. But very few ordinary people own genuine leather bedsheets. I daresay, the average American doesn’t know a single ordinary person who owns them. Where do you buy them? But anyone can swing by a department store at the mall and easily pick up this awesome perfume. I think I’ll wear it on a daily basis.”

Horny ghosts and cum-stained sheets.

Two kinky ghosts hook up in a seedy motel room after the party.
Two kinky ghosts hook up in a seedy motel room after the party.

Lovers of sexual kink have noticed a refreshing new Halloween trend. In recent years, nightclubs throughout the nation have been filled with adults dressed in white, cum-stained sheets. These uninhibited party people, of course, are role playing as horny ghosts.

Experts who study unusual kinky phenomena have theorized that dry semen stains on white linen is a daring public expression of Reductinem ultimum sexualis libertatis forma visibilis ad oculum nudum patent.

Others have presented a second, much more elegant explanation.  Their scientific application of rigorous statistical analysis in conjunction with Occam’s razor has led to the following logical theory: that single people are lazy doing laundry.

%d bloggers like this: